| summer 06! |
|
|
| 08:54pm 26/05/2006 |
| |
did i have my last final this week?
i did! it was my last walk to and from AR. It's been an interesting four years to reflect back on. I'm not going to here, instead i can just read my LJ posts from way back when; they started at AR.
lately i've been indulging in reading and biking. Today was band practice #2 with members of the league of extrordinary gentlemen. Two songs (that need more work as far as lyrics) done! pretty impressive guys to be working with, Mark dropped by and he think so too. I'm very very proud of being able to work with Ricky, Zack, and Kiel.
speaking of pride. BJ graduates tomorrow morning, and then off to Berkeley with me. Brandy has been home since yesterday, and it has been grand! I'm really looking forward to next couple of months. Come to think of it, i'm really looking forward to everything comming up ahead. A summer full of reading, singing, finding a new place to live, and tons and tons of time with Brandy. Then ater that it's time to get edumacated, maybe while still rocking out with what could be called No Shields For Daggers. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| too buisy to post these days |
|
|
| 08:11pm 20/05/2006 |
| |
My grades will be above a 3.0 this semester. That means there is no question to whether i'll be attending the university in fall.
i got in my first car accident the other day. My fault; extremely minor damage. Everything is ok.
uhm. yea. Still having good times with zack, kiel, and ricky.
still loving that girl. Too bad every drunk in SLO wants in her pants. BLAH.
dats about it. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| More art |
|
|
| 08:48pm 03/05/2006 |
| |
SELF PORTRAIT {DECEMBER 1ST, 05 - APRIL 30TH, 06}
 |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 10:48am 03/05/2006 |
| |
uh. I've pretty much stopped sleeping
I GOT INTO BERKELEY.
that means i need to keep a B average, which means i have to care. This has greatly contributed to my lack of sleep.
The band is AWESOME. I see great things comming up ahead.
no time to chill, gotta get some school work done. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| SUMMER IS JUST ABOUT HERE |
|
|
| 12:14am 01/05/2006 |
| |
mood:  exhausted music: Against Me!, Kanye West, Frenemies
|
this has been a bad ass weekend.
Thursday started off pretty sketchy as usual. I got 50% on my test last week in C++, but I have a 87% in the class, and it seems i can still take that to an A (not easily, but not with too much difficulty either, all i need to do is care). I plowed throught the day until eventually i was at zack's place drinking some beers and playing nintendo. awwww yea. Eventually Kiel and Ricky showed up and it was another night that turned into morning with these fellas.
Friday was an interesting day. A whole gaggle of russians were protesting Homosexuality. I tried my hardest to get these people to understand how ridiculous their protest was, but of course they don't listen to anyone but preachers and God. I can't believe to this day people fight for the right to discriminate. after further understanding the mentality of eastern european christians it was time to meet brandy downtown and see THE FRENEMIES. The entire night was filled with crazy bass players. Definately a good night; i'm glad the most wonderful girl in the world and i can share such good times.
Saturday Zack called to tell me that he can hang out! WOOOP. after a few beers, and a little yager we were in his practice space rocking out (we being Brandy, Zack, Kiel, and Ricky). This band thing is AWESOME. I don't know if everything will be stable as far as being able to practice with these great peoples or whatever. but at least for one night i was able to fullfill my dream from the age of 13 to be in a kick ass punk band.
today i sat around. Brandy came over and took some pictures for an assignment that i have in photoshop. sadly my pretty girl is on her way home. I should have done plenty of homework but eh...
by this time tomorrow i will know where my future is headed. Damn, it's been five months of waiting, and they're over. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Chance. |
|
|
| 12:33pm 23/04/2006 |
| |
mood:  complacent music: napalm death, coalesce
|
sometimes a few different events that have a million to one chance of happening come together all at once (that's like four, a million in one chances comming together at once : a FOUR million in one chance of the event taking place). This picture feels a lot like that to me, even when i'm sloshed.
this Thursday was CRAZY
Work, then diversity march, then studying, then school, then studing after buying a whiteboard, then 2 hour C++ midterm (i'm hoping for a C), then zack's.
an evening with zack was all around Great times. Drunken opening up, singing, and so fourth.
my year and a half of musical hiatus seems to be comming to a screeching hault.
after i arose a bit eary we had breakast and off i was home. Soon i was in the library doing some artwork, hopefully within the next fews i'll have a print out. I think i'm going to make about 10 and give them out to those around me who i appreciate (then probably make 20 more and sell them bitches).
later that day i spent the afternoon with kiel. Definately good times. after an afternoon of thrifting and conversing i'm thinking . . . god damn this project that i'm trying to erect could be something spectacular.
later that night was not good times. Mark got high as i drove him around while i tried to score some beer. I didn't have a good time, and it was clear i wasn't going to unless i had a substance on me. overall the rest of the evening was an ENTIRE waste of time, and i don't have much of that.
My disgust of myself from the situation made me realize that Edgar might try this no substance lifestyle and see how far he can take it (without judging others for a different way of life of course)
last night i hung out with Ali; It was good times. i met Alexae who works at infusion and is also a writer he left me with this (which i may have to borrow):
Discourse is Brilliant
Arguing is Bullshit
today i'm just homeworkin' it and getting some more cleaning done. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 10:03pm 19/04/2006 |
| |
mood: exhausted music: 31G comp - release the bats
|
this has been quite an interesting week thus far.
today i spent a good couple of hours talking to BJ. At first he sort of slammed the door in my face, but after getting my tank filled i turned around for round two. that time worked, we talked about Berkeley, the womens in our lives, and all that jazz. We both said we need to start spending time together, i hope we both follow through with that. do dat do do dat dat dat.
i got 31g's "release the bats" and some girls' "heavens pregnant teens" in mail today. Both on vinyl, both colored. thus far, the only really good song on the compilation was by melt banana.
all this week i've had these creative outbursts, and the inability to not talk to interesting people. it's wednesday and suddenly i have phone numbers from raaaaandom people. will i call them? . . . probably.
i'm going to get to work on more photoshop peices. "art" or whatever, i just have so many ideas that i want to make instead of putting them on the backburner like i've done to so much other crap. Today after getting some homework done i stopped by to talk to professor Brozavitch, i think i might sit in his art lectures and just soak that shit up. Why not?
speaking of creativity. Tomorrow is a meeting with zack, kiel, and possibly ricky. am i excited? fuck yea.
tomorrow is also a C++ test. What a bitch
oh so once i was in a shitty mood and was talking hellza trash about the current state of hardcore (i would now, but that would require me to care about it). I wrote a letter to remembering never about it, and thanked them for being thematically iconoclastic to all the shitty bands out there. just a day ago i bought their new album and something struck a chord in me when i read their lyrics:
"I've got a pocket full of dirt, but in my hand is a thank you note"
This would be in context. The song is basically a "thanks for your support all you fans out there" song. at the least i had helped to inspire a RN song. yeowza.
anyway, i'm going to cram some C++ down my throat and then pass out. life's good, life's tiring.
oh yea. Honey, i love you. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| time to get real |
|
|
| 01:58pm 16/04/2006 |
| |
mood:  So Alive music: At the Drive In, Atmosphere, MC5
|
i've posted too much about boring concrete events lately. It's time to get abstract.
I've been a cladestine pot head for the last couple months. I don't regret it; I had good times, I never lost track of my goals or ambitions, and my health is no worse than when I was smoking cigarettes. But I created an obstacle that acted as a serious threat in making my relationship with brandy derail. it's not that i've been aimlessly listening to music and eating obscene amounts of shitty food in my free time, it's that i lied. I lied so much that i was creating an alternate life seperate from the one that brandy and i have forged together over the years. what started as just failing to mention something to stay out of the dog house had snowballed into a serious threat to our relationship. If we are leading to seperate lives, then we just aren't together. Furthermore, it's clear that what i was doing was exploiting the trust that Brandy had in me; the same trust that took me a good piece of my life to earn. at some point a close friend of hers heard the facts (I was spending much of my time with frequent bong ropers) and asked Brandy how she could be so blind to what i was doing; her response was that i told her i wasn't doing it, therefore she knew i wasn't. We had a level of trust so great that anything i said she believed, and likewise, and i used it to get away with being such a little fuck.
i came clean to her one night a few weeks ago. What i was doing was so disrespectful to her that i could no longer continue. of course to lessen the blow I understated how heavily my recreational time was spent getting baked with mark and acting like dufus. We worked through it, the same way we worked through Photo B, the same way we worked through her first college roomates, the same way we somehow always get through things. Then she slowly found out how bad it really was. Then she suddenly found out the worst of what i had done. I blazed with a friend of hers at bodega bay after she had fallen asleep the day following a huge conflict she had with her friends smoking that weekend. unfortunately she had been informed by someone other than myself.
friday the worst of it happened. we had to talk and we had to find out everything about the consequences and the reasons to get through this, and to learn from this so it never happens again. so we talked for hours. from the start our emotions burst or crept out of us like stepping near a large group of pigeons. But we made it through it. By the time I made it to SLO from Sacramento we were ok again, but we still had a lot to talk about.
So much has been said and realized that all i can really do to avoid writing a book is bullet what it is we've discovered:
- My emotional imperfections are many. They are so sutly imbedded in everything that i do that i need Brandy to be there for me to spot them out when i can't.
-The way it works is that i have an emotional force inside of me that is constantly at war with my logic. Just as any person, however my childhood disadvantages have made it so that some components of my emotional team are seriously fucked up. I need to find ways to isolate them and shape them into health. Meanwhile, i still need to stop them from putting me in situations where i hurt myself and the people around me, as i stated right above, i need Brandy to help me with this.
-Brandy and I are strong. When fate throws curve balls at us we can get through them. We've been working on our technique for quite some time, and it's not quite perfect yet, but we come closer to that every time we deal with such threatening situations.
-I have never considered distance a large strain on our relationship. I laughed away at anyone who put merit in distance as a threat; brandy and two social psych. professors included. Now I understand the dangers of distance. Out of sight, out of mind is very real, and very dangerous.
-This was a small bit of chance how we got into this mess, but it was 99% my stupidity. I'm not a bad person, but I can be a real fucking retard/asshole sometimes (why? see bullet #2). Am i forgiven? I don't think so. Do i deserve to be? I don't think so. Is my relationship with Brandy any weaker because of this? I don't think so.
-I guess the bottom line is, neither Brandy nor I are perfect. Our method of handing our problems are generally effective, but still not perfect. We do however, have a perfect relationship because we can work through things and because we maintain strong communication channels (yes i fucked that one up this time, but we worked through it and opened those channels up again).
ok. that was badly needed to be recorded, now time for the boring concrete:
spring break is comming to a quick halt.
My friday in Berkeley with Drew was really a lot of good times. The weather was wonderful; we had a wonderful car ride up, and all the people I met out there were pretty fun. again, this week has been such a collage of events that things tend to get blurred together, so heres what went down in Berkeley,
-FREE FOOD
-A Drew Dano tour de campus
-A tour de freshman dorms
-Chillin' with Drews friend (another sacto JC transfer to Berkeley. there may be hope for me!)
-MORE FREE FOOD
-cervesas!
-hookah
-more cervesas!
-a lame frat party. it was a sea of disheveled, inebriated peoples trying to get fucked. i found it rather disgusting, and i came to the conclusion that the movie "old school" parallels frat life so closely that i'm not sure whether to laugh or puke
-a call from pops saying the family is back home
-2:30 return to sacramento.
I've already gone over all that Brandy and i had gone through friday as i was driving up. since i've arrived we really have been enjoying our time together, minus all the homework that i've been stomping through. i got some new music up here, Iron Maiden's Powerslave and MC5's Kick up the jams. We've been smoking a lot, so much for never having another cigarette again. oh yea, Cass is definately good times.
alright there it is. Brutal sincerety, i'm at least keeping up with my vow to keep as honest as possible here, whether i look good, bad, mean, or whatever. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| WOOO! Sacramento Spring Break 06! |
|
|
| 10:14am 13/04/2006 |
| |
mood:  jubilant music: les savy fav
|
i finally took my first shower since sunday. haha!
well the first thing that has come out of this abrupt change in routine is: THE LEAGUE OF EXTRORDINARY PEOPLES. was it a one time random assortment of people under the influence or is it truely something that will be persued? I'm hoping for persued. a few hours of honest inteligent conversation kicks the shit out of being baked with mark. Maybe a band will be started? will my musical hiatus come to an end? pretty exciting i think . . . Maybe i'm just being weird.
I may return to SLO yet again this weekend. Definately though, I will be in Berkeley tomorrow. Mr. Dano is showing me what there is to do out there - former student perspective sounds good to me.
everything is such a blur since so much has happened in only a couple of days, so here's yet again another crappy excuse for a recap of recent events.
I slept all day to wake up and hang out with zack, christina, ricky, and kiel. the makings of the league of extrordinary peoples. Damn that was fun.
got fully plastered by 8 am after a 6 am beer run. after i woke up mid afternoon i went home just to sleep some more.
ok here's where things are blurry. one night drew came over, we drank a few coronas while watching survive style 5 +, it was a fairly calm but enjoyable evening. we had a 1:45 beer run in which we jetted across town to force zack to buy us beer (zack if you're reading this thanks a bazillion). There was some suttle drama with that, i laughed pretty hard at it that evenening.
one morning drew and i watched american beauty, it was good times as well. I had a dentist appointment, and then i spent the rest of the day cooking, cleaning, and laundering (clothes not money! . . . or was it?). some parts of my house are now SPOTLESS. Late in the evening Ali came over. we had our usual discussions about politics, religions, relationships, and morals. always a good time with Ali, i think she thinks so too; she called me as she was heading home to say that she really appreciates the time we spend together. that was such a nice thing to say that i think i'm going to adopt saying nice things to the people i secretly care about.
I'm pulling a terantino: the weekend before all of this i went to see brandy. it was wonderful as usual. she picked out some new kicks for me, and dizamn theys hot (FUCK YOU PARIS HILTON I'M NOT PAYING YOU FOR SAING "HOT"). i love her so much, the only thing i can do with song writing is write about her. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| make time pass. PASS PASS PASS |
|
|
| 09:46pm 02/04/2006 |
| |
|
music: Some girls - heaven's pregnant teens.
|
Last weekend was wonderful. It was drunken stupidity in Bodega bay, but that wasn't what was exciting. it was Brandy.
This weekend i sickly stumbled into my car and coughed and sweated my way to SLO. Another wonderful weekend indeed.
Now it is April, this means months of wait have given way to weeks of it. 4 more and I will know where my future is headed. I'd like to do as my friends have and just assume I'll be accepted to where i supposedly deserve to go. But i hate being wrong, and what if? I'll find out in less than 30 days.
ironically, as i got home today i got a letter from AR. "Contradulations . . ." on your direct transfer to UCSD. I hope i don't have to take it. God i want to be out of sacramento by before 2007.
Some Girls is a 5 piece now? Whatever, this shit is definately holding me over till the Locust starts recording some new shit. Oh yea, chiodos sucks dick, or chode? hahahaha! Reminds me of once upon a time a two ton bitch gloated along the lines of "This band just got signed to equal vision, i can get you shows with them and maybe you'll get signed too." HA! God i hate remembering things. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| i should be studying or something.. |
|
|
| 08:26pm 27/03/2006 |
| |
I hung out with Mr. Mark Fogarty yesterday. After two games of cards with him and his grandmother we were on our way to Dos Amigos to meet up with Erica. on our way there Mark announced that his parents have finally given up on him. He is going to be pulled out of his school, and within the next year plans to be seperate from his parents. He wants to know if my offer to have him as my college roomate still stands.
i never retracted my offer. That's what i told him, however this isn't something that has been set in stone; so i pretty much have some serious pro/con weighing to do.
i guess i got my work cut out for me. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| antepenultimate? |
|
|
| 11:46pm 15/03/2006 |
| |
mood:  giddy music: old AFI, Darkest Hour, Head Wound City
|
antepenultimate - meaning 3rd to last. . . The things I learn in anthro. . .
Monday was my first field trip since the 8th grade and it was WONDERFUL. i pretty much got a nice scenic drive to Palo Alto for free while hanging out with a whole hell of a lot of students that I adore. Taylor DeBerry's mom even bought me lunch.
On the way up i had a million different discussions about music and movies and stuff with a bus full of freshmen and sophomores. I had such a good time that i even came through with a bunch of promises to give the kids some new stuff to listen to.
so . . .
for Angela (a girl who works for a striking resemblance to the protagonist of Beetle juice) - AFI's All Hallow's EP
for Lucy (a Mars Volta fanatic who has never heard of At the drive-in) - at the drive-in's in/casino/out
for Mary (the average teenage female "emo" fan who is timidly stepping out of the world of MTV) - Alexisonfire's S/T album
for Stew (the Dorkiest kid i have ever met, yet someone with so much creativity and imagination that he often astounds me) - Bear vs. Shark - Right now you're in the best of hands....
i guess next week i'll see how they react to their tutor's off the wall taste in music.
school has been going pretty well. May 1st is still so far away, and uncertainty still leaves me uneasy. But whatever, it's not like i can do anything about it but try to keep buisy.
I've been going to the gym again lately. I'm feeling much better with myself. some of my lazy flab has already given way to a more appealing look.
oh. insomnia? not quite, but i've been sleeping less lately, and not feeling very tired. i wonder what that's about.
Trip to SLO with Erica this friday. i'm excited to see my Brakira. are we really approaching 3 years? that's 16% of my life with you woman! and the percentage grows every minute!
. . .look what stats does to me. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| New pants |
|
|
| 08:11pm 08/03/2006 |
| |
i got some new jeans from the banana republic. i needed some new pants, and although they were way expensive, i got them hemmed for free. yippee.
yesterday i had a surprise visit from my boss. she "graded" my performance as a tutor. i busted out 100% on the job. which was quite a surprise considering it was at Foothill, and the Foothill kids don't like tutorials, and most certainly don't like me. or maybe that's changing, who knows.
later that day i found out that my current grade in C++ is an . . . A!
so right now life is pretty good, it seems i've been doing well at school and work.
i splooged about 90 bucks today for some express shirts. gotta keep snazzy. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| franco un-american |
|
|
| 10:01pm 06/03/2006 |
| |
mood: good music: propagandhi
|
i'm a victim of fraud.
Fuck. so i got my credit card cancelled last week. some lowlife is pretending to be me in LA to pay for his/her groceries. oh well. i get to go through the legal process of not having to pay for his/her shit.
anyway.
i just realized today that a friggin NOFX song sums up my current interests. that's sad, but i do read Zinn, and Chomsky too.
so i'm gonna go do that.
I need to hurry up and transfer, and brandy needs to hurry up and get into UCSF. we need to hurry up and live together. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| i lied |
|
|
| 09:07pm 02/03/2006 |
| |
mood:  exanimate music: joy division
|
i can't give up on today's ignoramous youth. i tried, and i lasted about a week; pretty soon i was back on my soap box preaching to highschool kids that America has a serious need for critical thinking. my curse is that i care, and there is nothing for me to do but act accordingly.
i guess this is what happens after reading Chomsky. Well, that's not fair. I guess this is what happens when i stimulate myself.
i've been reading like crazy. so much so, that i've replaced any bit of television time with reading. this week i finally finished Fast Food Nation, and i must say it was a trip. I also finished Noam Chomsky's "What Uncle Sam Really Wants;" it's a short hundred pages but a pretty adequate introduction to Chomsky politics.
I picked up a hardback copy of Howard Zinn's "Peoples history of the United States" this week, and since I'm not wasting my time with television, I've begun to read some Shakespeare (why didn't i ever read Hamlet in school?).
... i still need to finish the Wu manual.
I guess i've gotten bored of overly-tangible water cooler talk with my friends. It's just not very stimulating. i wish i were better than instinctual. shit, i wish the human condition (or rather my condition) didn't require company. i could definately do without the urge for warm blooded aquantance.
i guess i for now all i can do is substitute intelectual conversation with reading.
on the bright side, the one person that matters has been pretty good to me. i've never been good at expressing how much i appreciate Brandy for paying attention while i go on mile high rants about whatever.
oh yea honey. it was Locke who said "Life, Liberty, and property," and Thomas Jefferson wrote "Life, Liberty, and the persuit of happyness," in the declaration of independence which has not ever been altered.
so yea. i guess this is me proving to myself that i'm still breathing and definately still thinking. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| update time |
|
|
| 04:43pm 22/02/2006 |
| |
mood: much better music: Mastodong
|
this weekend.
i spent it bored out of my mind. i don't know why; i usually can spend the entire weekend in my pajamas without a complaint.
sooo. i hung out with people. and then realized how much i can accomplish if i could just get used to being alone. It's kind of weird, a year ago, i had no problem being in an entirely solitary environment. wierd.
monday i went snowboarding with two of my Avid kids and mark. after a couple of hours on the slopes i busted an accedental front flip, and then it was time to go home for i feared much more snowboarding would kill me. then i realized something very important. AVID is a complete waste of time. out of the 200+ kids that I tutor i think one or maybe two are motivated enough to give two shits about getting anywhere. i've given up on trying to motivate the next generation of sorority and frat fucks. how depressing. but i'm not quitting, now i'm REALLY getting paid to do nothing.
so for a second there i was in a bit of a funk. but...
today is brandy's birthday. the day i celebrate the most wonderful person on earth's birth. Happy Birthday sweety. you're no longer a teenager, and I again, am dating an older woman.
so instead of being unhappy i put in some Dillinger Escape Plan, rocked out on my way home from work. then i took a swim.
damn i am NOT in shape. but i guess this is the first step
heavy metal, you've saved my mood |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| wake me up when september ends? |
|
|
| 12:59pm 18/02/2006 |
| |
mood:  so unchallenged music: tv playing
|
hm. that's how i feel. i just want to hibernate so that one day i can wake up and be in another city. goodjob Greenday.
Berkeley says that i'm alright; more than 80 units won't hurt me. UCSD has a pretty awesome cognitive neuropsychology program. They also have graduate programs that sound pretty damn appealing. SO if for any reason UC Berkeley doesn't want me, i'll be alright (and waaay the fuck out of sacramento).
anyway. today is reading day. woop! Crimes against Nature is pretty entertaining. it gives me even better reason for me to dislike our current executive branch. Fast food nation is pretty good too, i hope to get through them both today.
in two weeks i get twelve hundred dollars from a scholarship, and the following week i get paaaid finally.. then i can visit Brandy with no guilt.
pretty boring. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 12:52pm 16/02/2006 |
| |
um.
well nothing really has been happening.
if not UC Berkeley, then UC San Diego.
yea. Snowboarding with some AVID kids on monday.
weekends at Brandy's are the best. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| i'm lucky i still have hair |
|
|
| 10:18pm 08/02/2006 |
| |
|
music: de-loused on uber limited silver vinyl
|
i just hate when a professor says "This is the easiest assignment you'll ever have" . . . and then i spend the next 24 hours in absolute disgust of my inability to complete the assignment.
yep. that's C++. just as i was expecting the semester to be. well, after hours and hours of almost pulling my hair out, i realized that i took the wrong approach and had to take a step back and act like the programming amateur that i am.
sooo. i got it done. hooorah.
friday i leave for SLO yet again. it's going to be a good weekend.
since i managed to solve my programming assigment, i'm now a quarter into the semester with straight A's. woot. too bad i just realized that i will have over 80 transferable units this semester. UCB does not accept transfer students with over 80 UC transferable units. FUCK. hopefully they mean pre spring semester, otherwise I am FUCKED. so yea, gotta do the whole second and third choice deal.
god dammit.
4 more months. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
nephlim's journal
arty
